Fictitious Band Spotlight: KORY WILLIAMS ON LADY GAGA AND PSEUDO-FEMINSIM

Kory Williams can't get enough of Leslie Hall, the famous gem sweater lady that spits rhymes about gold  pants and stinging like a bee. Sampling Hall's "Ring A Ding Ding" for her latest single "Platinum," Williams lights up a cigarette to chat with Notas From The Beach about her obsessions. 

Notas From The Beach: I must say, I too am obsessed with the Leslie. What is it about her that you love?

Kory Williams: What is not to like about an artist that is doing her own thing via this vehicle we call the internet. Listen man, the music industry as we knew it is over. You've got M.I.A., who I love by the way, using it for the right social purposes. Then there's Lady Gagaddona (giggles) , who I also love by the way, who is using it to make her fortune. Then you got Leslie who is a struggling artist who is crazy as fuck making these crazy ass beats about living in Iowa. 

NFTB: Would you say you were one of the last few young artists to enjoy the music business as you knew it?

KW: I don't read newspapers much, but with my time in The Pinks, I enjoyed the perks of having a label back you up. After my last three solo albums, which did have a lot of label support, I did so well that I can produce and do this shit on my own. But I feel bad for artists like Leslie, who are independent and just driving around the country in a van with nobody backing them up.

NFTB: Why don't you give a lending hand?

KW: Did you not hear me? I don't read newspapers. I don't know what that would entail. Plus I like my money in the bank. But I really do hope she finds someone who can help her out. 

NFTB: In the 90s, you were famous not only for the rock music you were doing with The Pinks and then on your own, but for the drug and sex scandals that came with being a rock star as well. Do you think that young women should be as free as they want as you were back in the 90s and not let all the boys have all the fun.

KW: Listen man, I did what I did out of boredom and because drugs were available and boys are easy. It was never meant to be some sort of feminist statement. You can quote me on that. People that do drugs are just stupid. No matter how much fun or trippy they are. Fucking easy boys, well, let's just say that some of them left little presents in my privates if you know what I mean. Men and women will always be treated differently if we keep paying attention to that. By you asking me that question, you're only bringing back that stereotype. 

NFTB: But you cannot deny there's still that double standard between male and female rock stars.

KW: Who gives a fuck. It's lame journalists like yourself who ask these lame questions and put us in strange situations when we don't know what to answer. Fuck that.

NFTB: I see. What do you think about acts like Lady Gaga and Rihanna leading the charts. Looks like is a women's music world after all.

KW: Do you have some sort of feminist agenda or something? Look, I appreciate Lady Gaga for being weird and shit. Rihanna? Well, let's just say that I don't think it's a smart move for her to do a song titled "Love The Way You Lie" after the shit that went down with her ex-boyfriend. But again, why must you make this shit about gender man? You're pissing me off. An artist is just an artist. Would I like more music CEOs? Sure. Do I like it when Rihanna grinds a fucking zebra and makes it to the top of the charts while Leslie doesn't even get a mention on Entertainment Tonight despite the fact that she wears outfits that are as hot as hers? Of course not. Until then, stop annoying us women and start asking some real questions.

Fictitious Band Spotlight: LONG BEACH'S NEXT BIG POP STAR?

Candy Summers is every Disney executive's wet dream. She can sing. She can act. And she's only 14 years old. She has met Britney, obsessed over Lindsay and is trying to be friends with Selena. But with all the negative buzz that typically surrounds young Hollywood starlets, is Summers ready to make it big?

"If you ask me I think she's one of the most mature girls I've ever met," says mother-turned-manager Alicia Summers. "Sure, I worry about the Paris Hiltons and the Lindsay Lohans of Hollywood, but you know what, if my daughter wants to be a super star, God knows I'm going to let her live her dreams."

So much so that she has moved her other two younger daughters from a comfortable three-bedroom home in Hollister, Calif. to a small one-bedroom apartment in downtown Long Beach. The closest thing to Hollywood they could afford (they did live in a bigger house in Compton, Calif. but Mrs. Summers felt that Compton couldn't offer the "right" connections that they may or may not find in Long Beach. Oh, and she doesn't really like Mexicans).

"People are going to say, 'honey you are so selfish for moving your whole family just for your own dreams,'" says Candy Summers over a few virgin margaritas in an undisclosed downtown Long Beach gay bar (the bartender is Candy's uncle and biggest fan, so we were allowed to conduct the interview there). "But sacrifices must be made. If I must go crazy and accidently do an underage porn video that leaks online and makes me the hottest Lolita around, well, so be it."

When I look over at her mother, who is sipping coffee that has a strange smell of Markers Mark coming off it, she giggles and puts her cup down.

"She's totally kidding of course," Mrs. Summers says. "Honey, you're not having sex are you?"

"Mother, must you really ask me embarrassing questions in front of a professional journalist?"

"Oh, I'm not professional at all," I intervene. "But go on though, I can probably sell this to People magazine or the Enquirer."

We all laugh and cheer. Candy is not sure if this will be a long-time career or just a hobby where she gets to sing and dance and act. You know, the triple-threat starlet. But she is hoping to hear back from Selena Gomez.

"I truly think that we can do the Britney-Christina-Lindsay-Hillary-kind-of-rivalry that makes news," Candy says as she takes a sip from her mother's coffee. "But she has yet to answer all of my Facebook messages."

Fictitious Band Spotlight: GEE LOPES TALKS "TRASH"

With an upcoming movie--which is yet to be made-- that's garnering critical acclaim, Gee Lopes sits down with Notas From The Beach to discuss her acting career, new album in the works and her obsession with the Fox teenage angst-driven show, Glee.

Notas From The Beach: Hello Gee. How are you doing today.

Gee Lopes: First of all, I don't mean to be a bitch and all, but like, we don't know each other. Can you please refer to me as Gee Lopes. Do you go around calling people by their first name even if you don't know them?

NFTB: No.

Gee Lopes: Okay then. I'm glad we've got that clear. Anyways, I'm doing perfectly fine. Well, I was (sights and looks irritated). I do read your little blog though.

NFTB: Oh we're glad (almost kissing ass). So you're new film "Trash" is getting a lot of hype. And it hasn't been filmed yet. 

Gee Lopes: Yeah, I know. It's great isn't it. I mean, I don't know how it even got leaked that I was starring in a film (we later found out that it was Lopes herself who created a profile in the Internet Movie Database website). I'm not sure which role I'm actually playing, but, the hype is great.

NFTB: Wait, you haven't been given a role yet?

Gee Lopes: No.

NFTB: What is the movie about?

Gee Lopes: What are movies about any ways. Give me a good director, a million-dollar budget and my talent as an actress and you've got an Oscar-worthy movie. 

NFTB: I don't think it works like that Gee Lopes.

Gee Lopes: (After a long awkward silence) Well, from what I've heard, it's sort of like Juno-meets-Crash. 

NFTB: How so?

Gee Lopes: The main character gets pregnant while riding the bus with Ludacris. And I think she's in high school.

NFTB: Oh, is Ludacris involved in the project?

Gee Lopes: What kind of question is that. 

NFTB: Oh, I'm sorry, is just that you mentioned that...

Gee Lopes: Can we talk about my upcoming album?

NFTB: Of course. So when can we expect the album to leak? (Bad joke from my part, I know).

Gee Lopes: That's just mean. 

NFTB: I'm sorry.

Gee Lopes: It's okay. You seem to have a mediocre career. What kind of journalist interviews fictitious celebrities? Anyways. I'm done here.

Indeed Gee Lopes, we are too. Can't wait for her new album. 

Fictitious Band Spotlight: TRANZ MARTINEZ' LATEST ALBUM

RuPaul's Drag Race has brought the art of performance drag into many American households. Well, American households that carry Logo, the gay community's version of MTV. But before RuPaul was making a name for Ongina and Nina Flowers, there was Tranz Martinez. 

Back in 1996, Martinez became an underground sensation after releasing This Is Me, a mix of dance tunes with awful pop sensibility that went on to be part of practically every movie soundtrack released between 1996 and 1998. She went by the stage name of Tranzition Martinez and became the first female impersonator to pass as a woman. She didn't even have to sleep with Hugh Grant. 

Four bad albums later and a surgery that has officially made her a woman, Martinez is back with a new album that screams "I-really-want-to-be-Lady-Gaga-pretending-to-be-Madonna-but-like-original-and-stuff."

Though some of the songs in Tranzition 4.0 are bound to be overplayed in gay clubs across the country, the surprisingly sweet ballad "My Heart Is Yours" should be an instant classic in radio stations that get hard ons for Celine Dion and Whitney Houston circa 1990s.

Martinez has definitely paved the way for up and coming Latina drag queens like Nina Flowers, but not even RuPaul has had the arena success that Martinez has had. We only hope that she stops making crappy radio-ready hits and starts working with the underground talent that she once called co-workers.